SAFETY STATISTICS  FROM THE NATIONAL HIGHWAY TRANSPORATION SAFETY BOARD

NO YELLING IN THE CLASSROOM   Click here for No Yelling in the Home)

Yelling is okay under the following conditions: a) You are under age 8, outside, and do not live in an apartment complex; b) You are being attacked by a bear; c) You have been stuck in freeway traffic for 5 hours and need to use the restroom.  Yelling in the classroom is okay when: a) a bulldozer has knocked out one of your walls, b) the visiting school board member has passed out on the first row of children, or c) little Mikey in the second row is teaching Hari-Kari to little Charlie in the third row.

Is  your child's teacher being verbally abusive?  If your child is in grade three or below you can request a transfer to a different teacher and give the principal a written complaint about the abusive teacher.   When enough written complaints are received the principal can take action, even if the teacher has tenure (rank based on years teaching).  Hand-written is okay, typed is even better.  If you fail to do this then other kids will suffer the same way your child did.  Keep a daily log of your child's experience at school and show it to the principal.  In grades four and above it may be a good idea to let your child remain in the class and teach the child how to deal with verbal abuse since they will experience it later in life either on the job, in the neighborhood, or when dealing with the public.  Use your own judgement.  If the verbal abuse is severe then report it to the principal and decide whether the problem can be corrected or whether to transfer your child.  If it is annoying but not severe teach your child to ignore it and focus on his work and his friends.  Tell him/her that the teacher has a problem but your child doesn't have to let it be his/her problem. If the principal is not cooperative you can take this problem, along with your journal, to the School Board, or place child in home schooling or private school for the rest of the year.  This is a drastic step that will affect your child's social development so it is important to try and solve the problem first.

The author is sorry to say that she once witnessed a principal (who felt the world would end if there was not absolute silence) using a bullhorn in a lunch room to yell at, threaten, and intimidate little children  for 15 minutes while they were trying to eat their lunches.  It didn't work (duh).   First, absolute silence is not a realistic or fair expectation for kids, (only for teachers who have just been told they are getting a reduction in pay) and second, the kids simply rebelled, knowing that the principal didn't have eyes in the back of her head and couldn't see 360 degrees, unlike them.  Needless to say, their appetites were spoiled and they learned very little that afternoon, and probably forgot what they learned the day before.   The author was very disappointed to see someone who was being paid upwards of $70,000 a year out of taxpayer money but who thought school was for testing Nazi theory.

Yelling doesn't work.  Studies show that a child's brain actually stops functioning when they are being yelled at, and it cannot accept new information (meaning, it becomes like many adult brains).  Learning stops.  The definition of insanity is: doing the same thing repeatedly even after repeated failure (okay, so this describes every legislature in the country).  Yelling is the closest thing there is to repeated failure.  Why do we yell when it just makes everyone feel bad?  Because it makes us feel good?  Because someone yelled at us?  Our volume control is stuck on loud?  Bad reasons.  A child will try every crayon in the box when coloring (unfortunately, sometimes on the walls).  We, as adults, can learn from these little children.  If something doesn't work, keep trying until you find something that does work!  Use every crayon in the box!  Use every trick in the hat until you find one that works, then keep that one handy.

Be realistic about what to expect from kids.  Be tolerant.  Growing up takes time (90 years for some people).  A certain level of busy noise caused by contented kids completing an assignment is normal and healthy.  Total silence in a class can be a warning sign for child advocates and child behavior specialists, who can tell the difference between a 'happy quiet' and a 'tense quiet' environment by the children's body language.  It isn't healthy unless the kids are totally engrossed in reading or watching a sad movie.  However, you do need them to be quiet when you are giving them instructions, but this can be done without noticeable hysteria or vocal abuse.

How to quiet a noisy class or group without yelling:

• A rainstick: This can be purchased for around $10 at many educational and children's supply stores.  It makes a loud but gentle sound than can be heard above the babble of the class and is an immediate, positive attention-getter.  
• During discussions say, "Quiet kids get to be first in line to go to recess," and point to those are being quietest.
• Arm motions: Teach kids that when you raise one arm in the air with two or three fingers extended it means you need silence (be careful which finger).  As they begin to pay attention tell them, "I need you to listen."  Be truthful.  Many adults simply order "Quiet!" or  "Silence!" or "You need to be quiet," but kids don't need quiet!  Grownups are the ones who need quiet.  If you state your needs without yelling they're usually happy to comply.
• A whistle: Especially good for large groups.  Kids would rather hear this than yelling from a red-faced adult.
• Ask the group to rise.  Use arm motions (raise hands upward in the air).  Physical movement usually brings curiosity about what is coming next, and so they listen.  If there is still too much noise ask the kids to turn around in a circle.  Next ask them to put their hands on their head.  Keep giving instructions until they are quietly waiting for new instructions.   
• Try humor.  A teacher I know puts large earplugs in his ears when the class is getting noisy.  They laugh, but they get the message and appreciate not being yelled at.
• Always thank them when the group has settled down.  One teacher always says to a just-quieted group, "Thanks! I needed that." 
• Inform them, "Your silence now is worth 5 minutes of free time after you complete the assignment."
• Count to five loudly.  At the count of five if order has not been obtained then assign a consequence (have them write 'I will not break the sound barrier in class' 15 times, and raise the number for the second infraction).  They will learn to be quiet before you even reach the count of 3.
• If the group is very unruly and these things aren't working then it's time to have kids put their heads down on their tables and turn out the lights for 2-5 minutes (but only after everything else has failed, and never with grades K through 3).  If an assembly is refusing to behave after repeated attempts to bring order then it may be necessary to dismiss the children to their classrooms and postpone the assembly, but only in extreme circumstances.  This is still better than yelling, because yelling doesn't work (unless you are a baboon, a gorilla, or an NFL coach).

For more ideas see the book "Discipline:101 Alternatives to Nagging, Yelling, and Spanking" by Dr. Alvin Price and Jay A. Parry

NO  YELLING AT HOME (You decide what works for you)

Yelling in the home is okay if, a) a train has crashed into your living room, b) your children have turned into werewolves, or c) scary aliens have landed on your roof. 

Let's face it.  There is never going to be absolute quiet for long periods of time in a home with happy children (although some children are more calm and quiet than others).  If you are one of those people who requires absolute quiet and you have children, then it's time to have earplugs surgically implanted in your ears.  A certain amount of tolerance is necessary, and a certain amount of facing reality, but when you get to the point that you are becoming irritable don't yell, try one of the following:

• One Mom who needed peace and quiet taped a sign on a tank vacuum cleaner that said, "Noise Eating Machine."  She turned it on and tapped each kid gently on the head, pretending she was vacuuming up the noise."  After they were quiet they all got a cookie.  Soon the kids were also playing the game.
• Make a rule about "indoor voices" and "outdoor voices."  Indoor voices are normal sound levels.  Outdoor voices can include shouting if it is for playing, not fighting.
• When using the phone and you can't hear, raise your hand high and then point to the phone, or with a portable phone wave bye-bye, point to the phone, and walk out of the room.  Use exaggerated facial expressions of mock dismay, or pretend crying.  
• If kids are in the habit of shouting to get your attention tell them, "I can't answer until you use a normal voice."
• If they shout from upstairs while you are downstairs tell them, "I'm down here and I can't hear you."  They'll come down and say, "then how did you know I was talking?"  You say, "I didn't, I thought it was a lion roaring."
• Tell them, "As soon as it's quiet I can tell you what we're going to do."
• When serving food or treats say, "The quietest kids get theirs first."
• Take the kids to the park, or send them outside to play (in rural suburbs first check for snakes, scorpions, or other danger).

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• Keep computers in an area where you and the family spend the majority of your time, such as the family room or living room. NEVER keep computers in the bedroom where you cannot easily see what your child is viewing.
• Always monitor your children's computer time so you know what web sites they are accessing. If they use AOL's "Instant Message" service make sure they are talking only with their friends or a known pen pal.  If you see an ID you don't recognize ask them who it is.
• Teach them that some sites are kid-friendly and others are not, and to avoid non-friendly sites.  Teach them that there are strangers on the internet who want their address and phone and will act friendly to obtain it, but may use the information against the child.  Auction site users will email your child and persuade them to bid higher in order to be the highest bidder. Many of these users have little regard for the safety, privacy, or financial status of children.  Besides the millions of legitimate users there are thousands of financial and sexual predators on the internet who search for unattended and uninformed children.
• If your child inadvertently gives out his/her web address, phone, or home address to a stranger over the internet, immediately remove his/her ID from the internet and require a one to two-week time off period to help them remember how important it is to keep personal info confidential.  Then establish a new user ID with a different name.
• Report any suspicious emails or Instant Messages to your server immediately, by phone or email, and to your local police.  (back to top)

• There are hundreds of teachers, coaches, and child mentors nation-wide who prey on children.  Do you feel uncomfortable about your child's teachers?  Does he/she dislike school? Have his/her grades dropped? Has he/she complained about improper touching or inappropriate comments?   Has a teacher or coach been alone with your child?  If you answer yes to these questions call your Local Police Department and file a report; then call your school counsellor or principal and request an appointment.  State your concerns.  If no action is taken take it to the School Board and the District Attorney.
• Always drop kids off at the curb next to the school so they don't have to cross in front of other cars who may not see them.  Never open doors into on-coming traffic unless you enjoy seeing them get knocked off.
• Be courteous and considerate of other parents dropping off their kids.  We need to be safety-conscious about all kids, not just our own.
• See Jane run!  See car stop!  Keep an eye out for kids darting in front of your car (whose parents ignored the first rule).
• See child!  Stop!  Keep an eye on other children who are walking.  Remember that someone protected you when you were younger and we should keep all kids safe, not just our own.
• Never let your child walk to or from school alone.  If you work and are unable to escort them to school personally it is important to drop them off at a friend's or neighbor's house who will be responsible for making sure they arrive at school safely.  You may need to pay someone to do this, or trade favors, such as taking their child to a movie, park, or zoo on the weekends with your child.
• If your child is able to walk to school make sure he/she has a friend or friends to walk with and make sure the friends know how important it is to stay in a group. 
• Discuss safety with the parents of your child's friends to make them aware of your commitment to child safety and to gauge their commitment.  Most communities in California have from one to a thousand registered sex offenders living in them, depending on the size of the community.  On average there is one sex offender per 1,000 residents of a community. Most of them are potential repeat offenders.  Discussing this with others can help you know if they are trustworthy or not.
• If your child rides the bus make sure he/she is dropped off at a safe distance from home.  Many bus companies drop children off a mile from their homes to save money.  If this is happening in your community let your School Board know you won't tolerate it, and let your State Legislators know what is going on, by phone, mail, or email. (Back to top of page)

• When driving, pay attention and always scan the entire area in front of you.
• Look for kids playing near the street and slow down.  Children are often unpredictable and unaware of danger around them.  Look out for them just as someone once looked out for you.  
• Keep an eye out for crosswalks, especially when not found at an intersection.
• Watch for kids on sidewalks, especially at intersections.  
• Always slow down when you see pedestrians.  No reason for hurrying is ever worth a child's life.
• Watch for people about to step off the curb.

• Never let your child walk anywhere alone, whether to the store, to a friend's house, or to the park.  Some predators see a child as they are driving by, stop and force them into their cars.
• Never let your child play outside alone.  Some predators cruise neighborhoods looking for unsupervised kids.  Take turns with other mothers in your neighborhood so you have time for other things or enlist a trustworthy family member to help.
• If your child rides bikes, roller blades, or skate boards, make sure they are always with two buddies.  When the buddies go home your child must go home too.  Have all three children come to your house and then escort the buddies home. 
• Report any strangers in the neighborhood to police.
• Report any suspicious vehicles to police.
• Never let your child use the restroom in public places alone, whether it be a theater, fast-food restaurant, park, beach, or other place.  Predators watch for children who are unattended.  Never let your child be alone in a crowd or at the beach.  Stay within reach of your child so if someone grabs him/her you can fight back.

DOES THIS ALL SEEM A LITTLE PARANOID?   ACTUALLY, THIS IS BEING AWARE AND INFORMED, NOT PARANOID.  THE BEST WAY TO KNOW YOUR CHILD IS SAFE IS TO ALWAYS KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOUR CHILD IS.  THIS ISN'T EASY, SO STAY CLOSE TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO YOU TRUST SO THEY CAN HELP.  CHILD SAFETY IS A FULL-TIME JOB.  IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO KEEP A CHILD SAFE.

LAST TIP: LISTEN TO YOUR GUT FEELINGS.  ANY THING  PERTAINING TO YOUR CHILD THAT YOU DON'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT IS PROBABLY NOT ALRIGHT.  IF YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS ABOUT ANY PERSON OR ACTIVITY, BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (back to top)

• Outlet covers on all the outlets will prevent your child from putting things such as keys or spoons in the outlets and being electrocuted.
• Keeping electrical cords and drapery cords wound up and bound when not in use will prevent crawling and rolling babies from becoming entangled or strangled by them.
• A baby lock on the front door will prevent your child from escaping into the street or neighborhood unsupervised.
• In desert and mountain areas checking the yard before playtime for snakes or scorpions will prevent your child from a dangerous bite.
• Checking the back yard and garage for black widows and brown recluses (funnel spiders in Australia) will prevent their entry into the house.  Poisonous spider bites can be lethal for babies.
• Keeping breakable objects up high will prevent baby from tipping them over.
• Keeping non-edible plants such as pothos and dumb cane out of baby's reach will prevent vomiting and illness.
• Stoves and ovens with the knobs on top and out of babies' and toddlers' reach can prevent fire and burns.
• Cabinet locks on kitchen cupboards and pantry can prevent baby from pulling heavy objects down on himself/herself and from getting into harmful cleaners or chemicals.  Keep one or two cabinets or drawers unlocked and full of light, unbreakable objects, such as plastic or tupperware, dish towels, or pan lids to satisfy baby's curiosity. 
• Securing bookshelves, entertainment centers, and other tall furniture to the wall can prevent them from falling on your child during an earthquake.
• Child-proof doorknobs can prevent a toddler from entering a room that isn't child-proof.  
• Making a habit of always looking behind your car before backing up will protect little children who are shorter than the car from being run over.
• Hardware items mentioned above are available at Home Depot, OSH, Ace Hardware, and other hardware stores, or at K-Mart, Target, Walmart, or other general merchandise stores.  The cost is tiny compared to the cost of a child's life.
• Listen to your gut instincts or to that "still, small, voice." If something doesn't feel right then it probably isn't.  Keep your child always in sight except when sleeping.  Check napping babies frequently.

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Sometimes children have been so spoiled, neglected, or abused either verbally or physically, that they don't respond to normal methods of discipline.  Other times they are simply very strong-willed and determined.  Dr. James Dobsen, author, lecturer, and radio show host, has published an outstanding book called "The Strong-Willed Child," that tells numerous ways for adults to deal with stubbornness without being abusive.  His bottom line is that kids thrive on discipline when it is properly used--  discipline, not abuse (no hitting or yelling).  When kids are given limits and boundaries and expected to stay within them, they know you care.

Tough love is when your toughness matches the stubbornness of the child in question.  It requires consistency and follow-through.  For example, when children are given loving instructions and they fail to follow them, it's time to take away TV, Nintendo, or computer privileges until compliance has been reached.  Always make sure they complete the task before they return to play.

With older kids who aren't following rules about curfews, use of the car, or proper public behavior it may be necessary to confiscate the car keys for a day or two, or revoke other privileges which mean a lot to them.  They need to learn that cars, computers, video games, movies, etc. are privileges, not rights, and they need to be earned through responsible behavior.  

In extreme cases where they might be violations of the law, instead of paying bail and taking Jr. home, ask the judge in private if he can arrange for your child to have a supervised visit to the jail and talk to prisoners so Jr. can see what he is missing.  Or ask the judge to let Jr. perform community service instead of jail-time so that he suffers actual consequences for his actions instead of just being excused for a first offense, as if first offenses are not a big concern.

If your child is attending parties where alcohol is served and not being responsible about driving, show him/her you care.  Revoke driving privileges.  Teach your child that drinking and driving don't mix.  Teach him by example, not just words.  

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